Settling the Score; For the love of the children.

“I can't stand my kid's mother!”

“I can't stand my kid's father!”

These are statements we hear all too often. If only we would realize the magnitude of the consequences behind these statements, lives, especially young lives could be changed in such a way that the broader impact would be immeasurable. Many of us have perhaps echoed these words, or if we didn’t say it, we certainly thought it. How disturbing is it that someone you once loved enough to create a child with, is no longer the favored; or they may deem you, no longer the favored. Either way, it’s insane and all too common in western society, especially in the African American culture where 70% of black children are born to single mothers in the Unites States alone.

Sadly, children who may have spawn from broken or dysfunctional home atmospheres are more likely to become withdrawn and socially isolated. In addition, they are at risk of developing depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and may have low academic achievement. Some just lose hope all together and resort to drugs, violence and may even look for acceptance through gang affiliation. That’s a shit load of consequences for a little person who is simply looking for a little attention, love and guidance; wouldn’t you agree…

The irony is that the failed relationship between two people who share a child together is no different than that of any other failed relationship dynamic. For example, parent and child relationships sometime fail, husband and wife relationships; more often than not; fail and best-friend relationships fail; right? Similar, to that of the failed husband and wife relationship; when the kid’s mother and kid’s father relationship fail, it leaves a profound and almost tragic effect on the child; if mishandled, whether directly or indirectly. Factors such as the age of the parents, race, ethnicity, religious background, constitution of the relationship or even the mere reason the relationship failed in the first place holds less weight than the possible outcome.

The truth is, we must at some point press on above our egos and our sense of self-gratification, our sense of having to simply win and focus on the best possible outcome. Now, Im not expecting for the two of you to hold hands whilst skipping down the yellow brick road to some far-far away oblivion, but what I am suggesting is for you to try and be both sensible and cordial at best. It may seem challenging and uncomfortable and for some, maybe even impossible, but I assure you that your efforts in trying to maintain a sound co-parenting relationship will go a long way and your children will one day thank you for it “in their own special way.” The most amazing thing will happen; your focus will begin to shift from your ex-lover to your child and you will be able to see more clearly the emotional, spiritual and physical needs flashing like a red beacon. On the other hand, if we choose to ignore the signs, we will have missed the mark all because we are so caught up in the drama of the split-up, separation or on-and-off relationship saga.

This message is not meant to judge, but to bring enlightenment so that we can both know better and then do better. After all, isn’t that what we expect from our children…. We expect them to know better and then do better; it starts with us. -tnb